I never professed to be the world's greatest sporting enthusiast. I like football. I like soccer. I have been known to watch NASCAR from time to time. I am an avid hockey fan. I don't, however, PLAY any of these sports. I instead chose to play golf. Seems innocuous enough. Beautiful course, sunny day, innocent looking little white ball and me with a big, bad club. I can get used to this!
I did not realize when I started playing golf that it would become an odd little obsession that would lead me to enter the world of grumpy old men with cigars and adult temper tantrums.
I haven't actually played an enormous amount of golf. My Dad and I would go to the driving range together and I went out a few times with co-workers and played 9 holes here and there. When I was pregnant there came a time where I could no longer swing the club and that effectively ended my golf career for a while. I haven't played golf in well over a year, but in my infinite wisdom I decided I was just the girl to join the partners of my current firm in a little charity golf scramble last Friday. Full of hope I headed out to the driving range the night before with clubs in hand and a happy tune in my head.
You know where this is going already, don't you?
My friend, Carrie, agreed to go with me and we got all set up and stretched out and ready to send our bucket of happy, little white friends sailing out into the yonder. Carrie's golf balls each had their maiden flights while mine remained steadfastly grounded. I adjusted my swing. I adjusted my stance. I kept my head down, my eye on the ball and my knees bent and still those little, white orbs mocked me.
One bucket later and my happy tune has changed to the funeral march. My heart races and I spend the entire drive home trying to think of some deadly disease that has sudden onset and vague symptoms. Only 12 hours to go and I will walking up to the first tee of the day. Crap.
Friday dawns bright and sunny (crap) and I feel wonderfully healthy (crap). I get dressed in my golf pants, golf shirt, golf shoes, ball cap and off I go. No 10 car pile up on the freeway (crap) and I arrive at the course in plenty of time to sign in (crap) and find the little cart with my name on it (double crap - they have my NAME on it so everyone will know who I am). My team-mates arrive and after the usual annoucements about the charity we are supporting and the rules of the scramble we set out for our tee. We tee'd off at hole 13 (how is that for an omen) and surprisingly I had a great drive. It was about 150 yards, straight down the fairway and I am feeling pretty good.
That was the last good drive I had all day.
I think my next best drive dropped from the sky after about 100 yards and that is being generous. I did have one really great shot where the ball hit the water, skipped three times, bounced up onto the fairway and went about 50 yards. The downside to that stroke of genius was that my team called me Skipper for the rest of the day. I think I may have a hat made with that on it or have it stiched onto a polo shirt.
So...what did I learn during my latest golfing adventure?
1. I learned not to volunteer for charity scrambles unless I am given 18 mulligans right at the start.
2. I learned that the West Nile virus has sudden onset and vague symptoms (won't catch me unprepared again, suckers).
3. I learned that I am a crack shot with a pitching wedge.
4. I learned that there is no such thing as self-esteem in golf.
That little ball looks innocent...oh, yes...it does. But don't be fooled. That little sucker is like those Happy Bunny shirts that have the cute little pink bunny on the front and then the message is something really tacky like, "you smell like butt." Well, I smelled like butt on Friday and those stupid balls made sure I knew about it.
I am going to the driving range this week. I am going to defeat those little, white bastards if it is the last thing I do. I may have had the last shred of dignity sucked from my body...I may even have had a couple of tears on the 15th green...but I am not broken - oh, no - not broken. I will prevail!!!
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