Sunday, December 30, 2007

My resolution for today is to drink less - but, check back tomorrow just in case.

I am glad this week is over and all the holiday cheer stuff is done. It is on to the holiday with no pretense. New Year's Eve. I love this holiday because everyone is really, really honest about their intentions...gettin' smashed. It is the Official Alcoholiday. Whee!

My smashiness was last night at our New Year's party. What are my plans for the real New Year's Eve, you ask? Simple. Watch Dick Clark. Figure out where they put the batteries. The man is a robot. I swear it.

Anyway, we had about 25 couples here and it was loud and rowdy and you can't. Even. Imagine. the sheer volume of alcohol bottles we put out in our garbage can today. If we weren't so hung over we might take them to the recycle place and pay our way to Tahiti. But alas - we just ain't that motivated.

So, without further ado here are things I actually said/did last night:

1. Honey, would you please tape the refrigerator shut 'cause if anyone drinks my RockStar I'll kick 'em in the balls. I'm not even kidding.

2. Whaddup bitches! (drunken shout to room full of friends) Who's my booze fetcher for the night?

3. Who's drink is this? (shouted over full volume death metal) Anyone? (takes sip) Gak! This is disgusting. Who made this? Who was drinking this crap? This sucks. (pours gross drink into my half empty cup) Anyone? Going once!(shrugs) Going twice!(takes drink)(shudders) No takers? Well, it's mine now suckas! (throw gang sign)(turn to leave room)(run into wall)

4. What happened to the door? Why won't the door open? Who broke my door you MoFos. (screamed over frantic pounding by party-goers trapped in garage by broken door)

5. Seriously people. What. Were. You. Doing. To. BREAK. A. DOOR KNOB? In the laundry room no less. Heathens.

Yeah. It was a great party. I ain't gonna lie.

Oh, and here are a couple of pics of me and Eric before the party started and my makeup left the building.

Yeah - Eric's hot. It's ok. You can say it. I know.

Yeah - Eric's still hot. It's ok. You can say it. I know. I was seriously born under a lucky star.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Happy Holidays - with no Bah-Humbug undertones.

What an awesomely crazy week! My brother, sister-in-law and their two kids came for Christmas and we had the best time! Even the kids managed to make it through the whole week without beating the crap out of each other. Whee!

Here is how it all went down...

First there was Christmas morning. Weeks of work and preparation culminating in 5 minutes of crazed package shredding. Oh...and the kids had fun opening their presents, too.

On Christmas night there was sledding at Bogus Basin. It was about 13 degrees and windy as hell, but we were out there for two hours having a total blast. We outlasted almost everyone out there because we? Are crazy MoFo's and there ain't nuttin' that will stop our fun havin'.

The day after Christmas we went up to the cabin and did a little snowmobiling.

After an afternoon in ONE DEGREE temperatures racing around on a snowmobile at forty miles an hour we went back to the cabin and crashed.

The next day it was up to Tamarack for a day of skiing/snowboarding. Drew started skiing last year and Eric has been both a skier and a snowboarder forever, but this was the first time they got to go together. I got a little teary. Seriously. It was freakin' cute!

It was another frigid day - about 10 degrees - and I was the biggest wimp of the group. I walked around at the base of the hill and took pictures of everyone. They were all smiling and waving and having a blast. I was cold and grumpy and couldn't feel my toes...Thinsulate boots my ass...I am thinking of writing a strongly worded letter. I should have just gone snowboarding with everyone, but I had visions of knees twisting and kneecaps dislocating and monks burning themselves in protest and thought, "Nah - why ruin everyone's week? No monks are gonna die on my watch."

See? I AM a philanthropist so quit bein' haters.

Overall it was a fabulous week. My family left today and I already miss them. Tonight is our big New Year's party. Yeah...I isn't New Year's yet, but I figured we would have it tonight and I would have more time to recuperate before I have to actually go to work and THINK. See...I am using my brain cells before I kill them off with copious amounts o'alcohol.

So...since I hate resolutions and refuse to make any, I will tell you what I am most grateful for. It's an easy one. A bit sappy and it might make some people throw up a little, but that's ok. They are just jealous. Haters.

I am grateful for Eric. He gave me all the things that make my life worth living. I don't know where I would be if it weren't for him and want the whole world to know how much I love him.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Finally...some Holiday Cheer. Whee!!

It is a few days before Christmas and my family has arrived. We now have 4 adults and 3 children running around like crazy people in our house. It started snowing today and the kids all ran around and threw snowballs at each other. There were a few adult casualties, but no blood or tears. I consider that a good snowball fight.

Tomorrow we are taking the train to the North Pole. It has been at least an hour of, "Seriously? The North Pole? By train? And Santa will be there? Really? I wonder if there will be elves. I wonder if they will give us candy canes. I wonder if we'll get to actually talk to Santa and get our picture taken. I wonder if..." Eric finally told me to shut up.

We are still trying to finish Chrismas shopping. My sister-in-law, Julie, and I went to the mall today. I know what you are thinking. I was thinking it, too. The mall on the last Saturday before Christmas? Have you Lost? Your? Mind? Because the mall? Filled with psycho-shoppers.

It was actually not that bad. I only shoved one person the whole time we were there. Really. I swear! So stop with the judging already. I tell you...that kid deserved what she got. I totally called dibs on the last Hannah Montana PSP game and she used her low center of gravity to her advantage. I do have to give her snaps though because even when she lost her balance she never lost her death grip.

Now we are at home drinking. Heavily.

We are trying to prepare for tomorrow morning's trip to Target. We have a plan for this one. Won't catch us unaware again. Oh no. This time? We have a map and a plan.

We. Shall. Prevail. Jingle Bells!

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Frosty the Snowperv

I am surrounded. They're everywhere. And they're watching me with their beady little eyes.

Don't let those little raisins shaped into smiles fool you. They won't hesitate to stab you through the heart with their carrot noses and then glide away giggling because summer? It's six months away and until then you're their bitch. is an army of snowmen and I am slightly afraid to close my eyes at night. A couple of them are wearing either skis or ice skates for mobility and they are going to get me because I keep them locked in cardboard boxes in a closet for at least 50 weeks out of the year.

Eric keeps telling me to get them out sooner, but I just. Can't. Do. It. They get taken out of the boxes and before you know it there is a snowman in every freakin' room. They watch me eat. They watch me sleep. They watch me watch t.v. and if I didn't put my foot down they would probably watch me pee.

Seriously. I'm a little creeped out.

On the up side the tree looks spectacular and my family will be here in 4 days.

If I play my cards right I might be able to make the snowmen disappear one at a time, slowly, so no one notices. Gotta keep an eye on those fluffy, white bastards and get them before they get me.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Winter wonderland, my ass.

It snowed yesterday morning. I went to bed and all was right with the world. When I got up Monday morning I went downstairs, opened the blinds in the front room and was greeted by a wonderland of white.

Pretty, you say? Sure. Pretty. Also? Slippery.

My Monday morning commute took 2 hours. Two teeth-grinding, white knuckling, profanity screaming, headache making hours. A normal commute for me is half an hour and even though I normally scream profanities I don't normally grind my teeth.

I slipped. I slid. I skidded. And that was just backing out of the driveway.

I think the thing that drives me bat shit crazy is the fact that people Lose. Their. Minds. at the first sign of snow. IT'S IDAHO PEOPLE. IDAHO. IT SNOWS HERE. EVERY YEAR. ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION. GET A GRIP.

All you have to do in order to navigate snow is drive slowly, don't make any sudden movements and don't slam on your brakes. Sort of like when you did the lights off drive-bys on your high school crush's house and all your girlfriends ducking behind the seats in fits of giggles.

Instead of slow and careful driving, I had an insane number of ass hats in giant SUVs blur past me on the freeway. Little tip: Four wheel drive? They slide. I know this because I have a four wheel drive and although I drive slightly faster than Miss Daisy I was still virtually skating. At one point I was surrounded by traffic and I started to slide. I managed to stop the slide, but I think I peed a little.

Part of the problem with drivers in Idaho is that most of them are from California. It is my snarky opinion that Californians living in Idaho have the trifecta of poor driving traits:

1. They have a strong sense of entitlement and the road? Well, it's theirs.
2. They drive GREAT. BIG. TRUCKS and drive thisclose to the car in front of them because the world? Yeah, that's theirs, too. Oh, and it starts at the end of thier noses.
3. They are impervious to inclement weather that might make their large vehicle an instrument of death. You know. They are from California so, like, DUH.

OK - so those are total over-generalizations and probably largely inaccurate, but the next time you drive for two hours across the frozen tundra with bright lights and a California license plate in your review mirror then we'll discuss my prejudice. Until then? Shut it.

Luckily, the snow melted because I lost my voice on the way in from yelling "Ass hat" at the crazies.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

And you thought I was just being melodramatic.

Everyone seems to think I am kidding when I say that all things bad, frustrating, financially devastating and/or otherwise craptastic happen to me in December. Here is an example:

Monday, December 3

- Driving to pick up husband's Christmas present.
- GET SPEEDING TICKET. (I must point out that my last speeding ticket was 3 cars ago.)
- Purchase present. Drive home...slowly.
- Arrive home to have husband say, "I have bad news." That's funny, sweetheart, because SO.DO.I.
- Husband informs me that our dryer...our not quite 2-year-old dryer...has gone into the light and is now on the fluff cycle in appliance heaven.
- Open bottle of vodka.

Tuesday, December 4

- Dad deposits Christmas money into my account.
- Write check to pay speeding ticket.
- Write check to appliance repair man for the priviledge of having his smiling face and visible butt-crack cross my thresh-hold.
- Have appliance repair man inform me that the cost to repair my dryer is more than the cost to replace my dryer.
- Write check to replace dryer.
- Have unexpected bill for medical services arrive.
- Write check to medical facility.
- Begin early planning stages of "The Great Toy Heist of 2007."

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Bah Humbug...with gusto.

Saturday, December 1, 2007's getting close to Christmas. Bah.

Every night for the last week I sat down and started to post. As you can tell, that little plan didn't work out so well. It was one of those weeks at work where the day just wasn't quite long enough. I was going to petition the government to create a 26-hour day as opposed to the current 24-hour model, but instead I just brought stuff home. Every night last week I would get home, eat dinner and log right back in to finish whatever I still had to do. I didn't hit the sheets before 1 a.m. a single night last week. The good news is: the week is over and I survived. The bad news is: next week is likely to be just as bad.

You would think that after a week like that I would spend the weekend sitting at home doing nothing. Yeah - I would normally think that, too. Instead, in what must have been an exhaustion fueled psychosis, I decided to go to the Christmas Expo with Eric, Drew and one of my friends. For someone who doesn't really like Christmas it was sort of like walking into the 7th circle of Hell. If I had need for handmade quilts, handmade soaps, handmade clothes, handmade toys, handmade ornaments, the world's best salsa, a chiropractic adjustment or Avon then I was in the right place.

So - here is basically the Christmas expo in a nutshell -

1. Take really large building.
2. Add about 600 booths filled with a random assortment of items no one would ever even think about buying the other 11 months of the year.
3. Add a minimum of $10 to the price of everthing.
4. Fill building with about 5000 people - preferable really old, really young or really fat people with no sense of direction or a realization that they share the world with other people.
5. Sprinkle in at least 500 women with double strollers.
6. Crank heater to simulate a sunny day in Jamaica.
7. Play the most irritating Christmas music you can find.

That describes my afternoon. I was run into, stepped on, pushed, shoved, glared at and basically abused all in the name of Christmas spirit. Whee!

Oh, yeah...I also had to keep up with Drew and he was truly amazed at all of the they kindly provided for us to buy. You mean all we have to do is give them some of that, what do you call it, Mom? Money? Well, in that case I want one of these, and one of those, and one of those things over there and...huh? $12.00 of allowance won't buy that four-wheeler? Well, just front me a loan then. Sheesh.

We didn't get the four-wheeler even though it would've been cool. Instead we got a PVC-pipe "gun" that shoots marshmallows and some homemade bread and a bracelet and a stuffed dog. I managed to stop myself before I bought the Western wall hanging made out of rope. *sigh* I hope I can survive without it.