Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Repost - Death by M&M

This is a repost of a blog I put up back on February 11 -- I took it down because some ass goblin with no sense of humor took offense. I am reposting it because my life has changed in such a way that my blog is no longer under the watchful eyes of said ass goblin; well, they may be watching, but I no longer care. However, I made a few minor changes. I'm snarky...not evil...or stupid.

At the beginning of the year I was very excited because I got accepted into a weightloss program NOTE: this is a totally generic weightloss program that may or may not exist in real life and any persons mentioned with generic titles as being associated with the generic weightloss program that may or may not exist may or may not be real people. In order to get in you have to meet all these requirements and agree to meet with a health coach and personal trainer so many times a week and keep a food journal and stuff - they even provide all of it for you. I was STOKED! It was going to be AWESOME! I was going to get totally skinny in no time and have six-pack abs and a firm butt and NO JIGGLY PARTS!!! Whee!!!

I lasted less than a month.

It really had nothing to do with not being motivated. I was really, really, REALLY motivated. Honest! I was supremely motivated right up to the point that my health coach gave me a lecture because I ate 10 peanut M&Ms one day. Ten. TEN! ONE ZERO. Not 10 bags. Not 10 handfuls. TEN INDIVIDUAL PEANUT M&Ms. During the entire lecture I managed to smile serenly while imagining all kinds of horrible ways to torture and maim her. Preferably, using a peanut M&M.

I know it would be one of those really weird things to have an overweight health coach. I get that the whole point is for us fat people to get a skinny health coach to help us figure how to be skinny, too. However, there is something irritating about getting guidance from someone who has clearly never met a treadmill she didn't like and has no idea what it means to struggle with weightloss. I think I would rather have a health coach who used to be fat or is still maybe just a little bit fat. You know? Someone who can RELATE. Someone who has sat down on the sofa in front of the television and somehow managed to consume an entire package of raw cookie dough in one sitting. Instead? I got Miss Buns of Steel.

I got someone who told me that I should treat myself from time to time with non-fat frozen yogurt with fresh fruit topping. Someone who advised that when eating Mexican food I should decide how many chips with salsa I am going to eat and then keep a tiny corner of every chip in order to keep count. All I could think at that moment was, "Are you shitting me? You want me to be so freaking MILITANT that I have to count my chips? And, while we are on the topic, exactly when did nonfat yogurt become a TREAT? I'd rather binge and purge you psycho."

I quit the very next day. Since starting my Tae-Kwon-Do class back in the summer I have managed to lose about a pant size, a fair amount of body fat and much of my self-loathing. I have also enjoyed every minute of it. Granted, there are times (like today) that my muscles hurt so badly I want to hire someone to kick Master Edgington's ass...well, to TRY to kick Master Edgington's ass...but, most of the time it is great fun and unless I pass out in class from lack of food no one gives a flip what I did or didn't eat that day.

I think I'll stick to the TKD. Someday soon I will be both skinny AND capable of kicking butt. And when I am? I plan to find that militant health coach and kick her ass. While eating Peanut M&Ms.