Isn't is strange how we can have all things going fine and still feel like the world is about to drop on our heads? Maybe I just have too much going on. If you know me you know that is generally the case. I tend to overbook and then kill myself to deliver. I should really work on altering that behavior.
I have two weeks of grad school left and this week is when I have to turn in my final project. The major, been working on it for 15 weeks, majority of my grade project. It just so happens that my professor for this class is an idiot who grades completely unfairly in some childish attempt to keep us lowly students in our place. I just know that I am going to lose points because he dislikes my word choice or thinks I should have started a new paragraph. Add that to the fact that all grading is subjective and we have potential disaster on our hands. So - needless to say - I am stressed about finishing this thing and having it be absolutely perfect. I have edited it to within half an inch of its life. Poor paper.
On top of that I have major work stress going on. I have been here for two months and it seems like I have accomplished nothing. The partners are meeting tomorrow and I have to give my departmental status showing what has been accomplished and what the goals for the next 60 days are. I am trying to write the report and it is killing me. So far it reads like this: "I made a bunch of forms. I called a lot of people. I plan to do more in the next 60 days." Is it really possible that I have done nothing in 2 months? It sure feels that way right now, but I could swear that I have been busy. Maybe I should do less blogging and more working. Hmmm - there's a thought.
Next agenda item is the Treasure Valley Recruiter Association. I had the brilliant idea back in April that we needed a recruiter association in Boise and I was just the girl to get it going. So...I started it up and it is going really well. That is positive, but now there are all these things to do. Meetings to plan, locations to find, speakers to sign on, emails to send, tax id numbers to get, bank accounts to open, by-laws to come up with, forms to build for membership apps, websites to develop, mission statements, blah, blah, blah. I am just going to shut up about that one now.
Why do I do this to myself? I complain that I never get to do anything fun and then I go and create more work stuff for myself. I really need to stop that.
On to another topic - my weight. I have been working with a trainer for 8 weeks now. Two months of my life that have revolved around eating better, working out, not drinking lattes with whole milk twice a day, not eating Krispy Kreme for breakfast, getting up at 5:15 am to walk 3 miles and the lift weights at the gym. Two months of trying my best to stop being a fat, unhealthy, miserable, middle-aged person. Do you want to know what I have to show for that work? NADA. NOTHING. NOT A THING. I AM STILL FAT. I might be slightly more comfortable in my clothes, but they are the same size I was in when I was happily drinking my whole milk latte and noshing on a donut. I have lost some inches, but I still step on the scale and hear it scream in horror. I don't think this whole salad thing is all it's cracked up to be.
So, that is my rant for the day. I just feel sad and put upon this week. I feel stressed and ready to say to heck with it all. I know it will ease up. I know I have 2 short weeks of school left and then I can chill. I just don't really feel good about things right now. I feel mean and angry and bitchy and like a whiner.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
Scapegoats
Throughout my life I have had a lot of friends. I have had good friends, great friends, ok friends, bad friends and just about every category in between. I have had friends who I talk to every day and friends I only talk to once in a while. I have had periods of time where I only had a couple of people I would call a friend and other times where I had too many friends to keep up with. All in all I have felt very blessed in the friendship category.
About two years ago I lost my best friend. We were "sisters" for a decade and, as sometimes happens, our friendship changed to the point where it just ended. I still miss her every day and if I thought that reconnecting would bring good things to my life I would probably call her. I have learned, however, that sometimes the end of something is a good thing and you are both better off without the other and that is OK.
I am sitting here tonight, in my recliner, hockey on television, a paper to finish for school and instead of working on that paper I am stewing about the state of one particular friendship in my life. A friendship that has been slowly deteriorating despite my best efforts and how literally overnight I have gone from best friend to scapegoat.
See, my friend went through a nasty and surprising divorce that left her reeling. I stopped my world and put her at the front of the list. Homework waited, other friends waited, husband (in many instances) waited and I took care of my friend. I hurt for her, I hurt with her, and I wanted to make things better. We went out drinking, we went out dancing, we went out to heal her wounds and, I won't lie, it was a lot of fun for a while. Then she met a guy - a guy who hit on both of us at a bar and only "picked" one of us when I flashed my wedding ring.
Divorced less than a month she locked onto this guy like a drowning woman with a life raft. The night we met him she, rightfully, thought he was a player and she treated him with dripping disdain. I encouraged her to relax and just enjoy being flirted with - besides, it wasn't like she wanted to date the guy.
Famous last words.
Needless to say, now they are attached at the hip - and every other notable body part. The rest of the world can take it or go to hell. I spoke up to say that he is just as shady as she thought that first night, that gut feelings never lie, that something wasn't right about the guy and of course that just made me the enemy. I have always known better than to try to talk sense into someone being snowed by a used car salesman. EVERYONE knows better - but I spoke up anyway and I suppose being cut out of her life is my penance.
OK - so that is a little melodramatic. I wasn't entirely cut out. I was just relegated to a supporting role with only one speaking line and that line had better be something like "just so long as you are happy I am happy" or some other placating bullshit. Unfortunately, I am not really wired that way. I tend to say what I think and I guess that is where the scapegoat part comes in...
Saturday night my friend's daughter was babysitting for me and was going to spend the night. Upon my arrival home at 1:30 am she and my child were still awake so I offered her the option to go home to her own bed or sleep on my couch. She preferred her bed to my couch so we tried to call my friend and let her know about the change in plans. We couldn't reach my friend, but her daughter assured me that it was fine for her to be at home for a while alone and it wasn't an uncommon occurrance so we set out for their house.
We got there and when the daughter opened the garage door my friend's car was there. At that point I was confused because she was home yet had not been answering her phone so I called and left a "sorry for the change in plans and dropping your daughter off early" message. I indicated that I had "plans" at home *giggle giggle* and give me a call tomorrow. At no time did it ever occur to me that I was about to become Public Enemy Number 1 and the scapegoat for all that could potentially ever go wrong in this friend's relationship with her daughter, boyfriend, pope, preschool teacher, hair stylist and manicurist.
I left 2 messages for my friend on Sunday and never heard anything from her. That wasn't all that unusual since The Boyfriend entered the picture, but it was slightly irritating. Then today I stayed home sick and when I finally got out of bed and checked my email I had the most incredibly cruel email I have ever gotten. It said that I was a terrible person that I would drop her daughter off at home with no regard for what she might walk in on. I had no regard for her daughter's self esteem and I put her well being at risk for my own selfish purposes. I got to read that I am a horrible person and I put my own selfish desires ahead of the well being of a child. I got to read that she can't have "someone like me" in her life because a friend wouldn't do something so horrible.
I spent most of the day trying to call my friend who won't answer her phone or return my calls. I spent the rest of the day responding to her email. It took me about 3 hours to get it worded just right. You know what I mean - that mix of "I'm pissed but I want to acknowledge that you are pissed but I don't want to piss you off more but I am really pissed and want to tell you what I think." Now I am sitting here shocked, awed, confused, heart broken and, more than anything else, PISSED.
Let's break this down point by point:
1. She is dating some guy and is worried about how it might affect her daughter, but instead of TALKING to her daugter about it or SLOWING DOWN the relationship she found the perfect opportunity to blame any negative impact on me. Man...I better take notes because I might be able to learn enough skills from her that I can foist my student loan debt off onto some unsuspecting innocent.
2. She jumped headlong into a relationship with a guy who declared undying love and devotion after less than a month and when I spoke up saying, "isn't this a little fast?" I became the anti-Christ. I made him feel "unwelcome" and he refuses to hang out with me or my husband.
3. She demanded a birthday party so we threw a bash at which she was one of the guest's of honor and after 2 hours she left the party to go home because her boyfriend "didn't want to drive all the way to our house."
4. I love her and her daughter and being a responsible adult and parent myself I would NEVER do anything to purposefully put anyone in harm's way. I mean - she isn't a stupid kid - she knows the ways of the world and if finding her mother's boyfriend at their house is so terrible for the kid's well being why is the mother dating him in the first place?
5. I love that I am the horrible friend yet she doesn't even have the decency to CALL when she has a major issue. Just a few weeks ago she was trashing another person we know who used email to pass along a difficult message. We berated that person for copping out and taking the easy road and being a chicken shit. Then here we are - supposed best friends - and she does the same bullshit thing. I mean - pick up the phone or stop by for a chat for fuck's sake. You're a big girl - you have things that cruel to say to me at least say them to my fucking face.
I think what my friend is the most pissed off about is that she and her MAN were probably at home getting ready to get their freak on and I spoiled their little den of sin by bringing her daughter home early. All she had to do was answer the phone. I can show you 4 people who were there when we tried to call. But NO...instead I am a horrible person who disregards the safety and well being of children. I am a thoughtless slut who would rather abandon a poor, unsuspecting child just to get laid myself.
Are they still looking for a scapegoat for the assassination of Kennedy? How about high gas prices? Oh...I know...the Exxon Valdez...I will be the scapegoat for all of that and if I am really,really lucky maybe my friend can find a way to make me the scapegoat for both her divorces and the cost of her mortgage.
About two years ago I lost my best friend. We were "sisters" for a decade and, as sometimes happens, our friendship changed to the point where it just ended. I still miss her every day and if I thought that reconnecting would bring good things to my life I would probably call her. I have learned, however, that sometimes the end of something is a good thing and you are both better off without the other and that is OK.
I am sitting here tonight, in my recliner, hockey on television, a paper to finish for school and instead of working on that paper I am stewing about the state of one particular friendship in my life. A friendship that has been slowly deteriorating despite my best efforts and how literally overnight I have gone from best friend to scapegoat.
See, my friend went through a nasty and surprising divorce that left her reeling. I stopped my world and put her at the front of the list. Homework waited, other friends waited, husband (in many instances) waited and I took care of my friend. I hurt for her, I hurt with her, and I wanted to make things better. We went out drinking, we went out dancing, we went out to heal her wounds and, I won't lie, it was a lot of fun for a while. Then she met a guy - a guy who hit on both of us at a bar and only "picked" one of us when I flashed my wedding ring.
Divorced less than a month she locked onto this guy like a drowning woman with a life raft. The night we met him she, rightfully, thought he was a player and she treated him with dripping disdain. I encouraged her to relax and just enjoy being flirted with - besides, it wasn't like she wanted to date the guy.
Famous last words.
Needless to say, now they are attached at the hip - and every other notable body part. The rest of the world can take it or go to hell. I spoke up to say that he is just as shady as she thought that first night, that gut feelings never lie, that something wasn't right about the guy and of course that just made me the enemy. I have always known better than to try to talk sense into someone being snowed by a used car salesman. EVERYONE knows better - but I spoke up anyway and I suppose being cut out of her life is my penance.
OK - so that is a little melodramatic. I wasn't entirely cut out. I was just relegated to a supporting role with only one speaking line and that line had better be something like "just so long as you are happy I am happy" or some other placating bullshit. Unfortunately, I am not really wired that way. I tend to say what I think and I guess that is where the scapegoat part comes in...
Saturday night my friend's daughter was babysitting for me and was going to spend the night. Upon my arrival home at 1:30 am she and my child were still awake so I offered her the option to go home to her own bed or sleep on my couch. She preferred her bed to my couch so we tried to call my friend and let her know about the change in plans. We couldn't reach my friend, but her daughter assured me that it was fine for her to be at home for a while alone and it wasn't an uncommon occurrance so we set out for their house.
We got there and when the daughter opened the garage door my friend's car was there. At that point I was confused because she was home yet had not been answering her phone so I called and left a "sorry for the change in plans and dropping your daughter off early" message. I indicated that I had "plans" at home *giggle giggle* and give me a call tomorrow. At no time did it ever occur to me that I was about to become Public Enemy Number 1 and the scapegoat for all that could potentially ever go wrong in this friend's relationship with her daughter, boyfriend, pope, preschool teacher, hair stylist and manicurist.
I left 2 messages for my friend on Sunday and never heard anything from her. That wasn't all that unusual since The Boyfriend entered the picture, but it was slightly irritating. Then today I stayed home sick and when I finally got out of bed and checked my email I had the most incredibly cruel email I have ever gotten. It said that I was a terrible person that I would drop her daughter off at home with no regard for what she might walk in on. I had no regard for her daughter's self esteem and I put her well being at risk for my own selfish purposes. I got to read that I am a horrible person and I put my own selfish desires ahead of the well being of a child. I got to read that she can't have "someone like me" in her life because a friend wouldn't do something so horrible.
I spent most of the day trying to call my friend who won't answer her phone or return my calls. I spent the rest of the day responding to her email. It took me about 3 hours to get it worded just right. You know what I mean - that mix of "I'm pissed but I want to acknowledge that you are pissed but I don't want to piss you off more but I am really pissed and want to tell you what I think." Now I am sitting here shocked, awed, confused, heart broken and, more than anything else, PISSED.
Let's break this down point by point:
1. She is dating some guy and is worried about how it might affect her daughter, but instead of TALKING to her daugter about it or SLOWING DOWN the relationship she found the perfect opportunity to blame any negative impact on me. Man...I better take notes because I might be able to learn enough skills from her that I can foist my student loan debt off onto some unsuspecting innocent.
2. She jumped headlong into a relationship with a guy who declared undying love and devotion after less than a month and when I spoke up saying, "isn't this a little fast?" I became the anti-Christ. I made him feel "unwelcome" and he refuses to hang out with me or my husband.
3. She demanded a birthday party so we threw a bash at which she was one of the guest's of honor and after 2 hours she left the party to go home because her boyfriend "didn't want to drive all the way to our house."
4. I love her and her daughter and being a responsible adult and parent myself I would NEVER do anything to purposefully put anyone in harm's way. I mean - she isn't a stupid kid - she knows the ways of the world and if finding her mother's boyfriend at their house is so terrible for the kid's well being why is the mother dating him in the first place?
5. I love that I am the horrible friend yet she doesn't even have the decency to CALL when she has a major issue. Just a few weeks ago she was trashing another person we know who used email to pass along a difficult message. We berated that person for copping out and taking the easy road and being a chicken shit. Then here we are - supposed best friends - and she does the same bullshit thing. I mean - pick up the phone or stop by for a chat for fuck's sake. You're a big girl - you have things that cruel to say to me at least say them to my fucking face.
I think what my friend is the most pissed off about is that she and her MAN were probably at home getting ready to get their freak on and I spoiled their little den of sin by bringing her daughter home early. All she had to do was answer the phone. I can show you 4 people who were there when we tried to call. But NO...instead I am a horrible person who disregards the safety and well being of children. I am a thoughtless slut who would rather abandon a poor, unsuspecting child just to get laid myself.
Are they still looking for a scapegoat for the assassination of Kennedy? How about high gas prices? Oh...I know...the Exxon Valdez...I will be the scapegoat for all of that and if I am really,really lucky maybe my friend can find a way to make me the scapegoat for both her divorces and the cost of her mortgage.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Holidays and I don't seem to get along...
I've never met a holiday that didn't make me sick. Literally. I was sick on Christmas and got to spend the whole day in bed. Insert random holidays and we arrive at Easter. I was very excited because this Easter was the first year Drew would be old enough to really get excited about hunting for eggs. We bought 2 of the 18 packs and dyed them. We put together a great Easter basket and we were ready.
Alas...my sickly pattern struck again...I ended up waking up on Sunday morning not feeling so good. I spent most of the day trying to encourage myself to crawl out of bed - it never really worked. Drew and I watched movies and he played in his room a lot.
Poor, sweet boy - he really was sweet all day. I was miserable.
Needless to say, there was no Easter dinner, no Easter egg hunt and in the end NO EASTER.
When Eric got home from work he gave Drew the Easter basket, but that is all the poor kid got. It's no wonder I hate holidays - they always seem to go awry. That's without the bazillon of hard boiled Easter eggs I have to figure out what to do with.
As a side note - I called in sick to work on Monday and first thing this morning I went to the doctor. Turns out that I have strep throat. God bless whoever invented amoxicillan. The doctor gave me that super high dose stuff and it is amazing how fast it works. I am out of work one more day, but should be back on my game Thursday morning.
This strep thing sucks - can't yawn, can't eat, can't even swallow. I don't even want to tell you about what it feels like to sneeze - mainly because I don't want to remember...
Alas...my sickly pattern struck again...I ended up waking up on Sunday morning not feeling so good. I spent most of the day trying to encourage myself to crawl out of bed - it never really worked. Drew and I watched movies and he played in his room a lot.
Poor, sweet boy - he really was sweet all day. I was miserable.
Needless to say, there was no Easter dinner, no Easter egg hunt and in the end NO EASTER.
When Eric got home from work he gave Drew the Easter basket, but that is all the poor kid got. It's no wonder I hate holidays - they always seem to go awry. That's without the bazillon of hard boiled Easter eggs I have to figure out what to do with.
As a side note - I called in sick to work on Monday and first thing this morning I went to the doctor. Turns out that I have strep throat. God bless whoever invented amoxicillan. The doctor gave me that super high dose stuff and it is amazing how fast it works. I am out of work one more day, but should be back on my game Thursday morning.
This strep thing sucks - can't yawn, can't eat, can't even swallow. I don't even want to tell you about what it feels like to sneeze - mainly because I don't want to remember...
Thursday, March 2, 2006
Is procrastination a disease?
OK - so I know that there are a lot of horrible afflictions out there, but I would like to take this opportunity to shed some light on a horrible disease that we must work to identify a cure for...PROCRASTINATION.
As a sufferer of this horrible illness I would like to request that we organize a walk or a fundraiser of some kind. There are thousands of people out there who currently valiantly attempt to function while suffering through the throes of procrastination. There are those who find it difficult to achieve even the most menial task - they can't do laundry or dishes. They can't complete homework assignments. It's truly and completely tragic.
So, I ask you to join us in our fundraising efforts. Let's work together to raise one million dollars so at least one sufferer of procrastination can live out their life never needing to start or complete any tasks every again.
Thank you.
As a sufferer of this horrible illness I would like to request that we organize a walk or a fundraiser of some kind. There are thousands of people out there who currently valiantly attempt to function while suffering through the throes of procrastination. There are those who find it difficult to achieve even the most menial task - they can't do laundry or dishes. They can't complete homework assignments. It's truly and completely tragic.
So, I ask you to join us in our fundraising efforts. Let's work together to raise one million dollars so at least one sufferer of procrastination can live out their life never needing to start or complete any tasks every again.
Thank you.
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