I was driving home from work tonight and I had one of those experiences that really made me question the sanity of people. I was going to say "people who drive" or "people who commute" or "people who drive monster trucks," but it is really just people in general.
Let me set the scene:
I am in rush hour traffic on the interstate. There is construction. I am doing approximately 20 miles per hour and that speed is entirely based upon the lady in the car in front of me and her ability to drive while putting on her make-up.
In my rearview mirror I see a very large truck coming up the lane next to me. The lane that is ending at the exact spot I am residing. He whips in right behind me and proceeds to ride my bumper. Honestly, I had to avert my eyes. I actually started wondering if I should just give him my bumper to consumate the relationship he was clearly having with the shiny chrome of my trailer hitch.
I imagine the "romancing" process was a bit like getting hit on at a bowling alley. It goes something like this:
White truck: "Hey baby. How about we have a beer and then go f**k or do you not drink?"
-- note: I imagine someone who looks like a cross between David Hasselhoff and the neighbor Larry from Three's Company. Gold chains. Doused with Polo. Mullet. --
My bumper: "Are you really hitting on me...and...did I just fall through a wormhole to 1987?"
White truck: "What's your problem, bit*h? You too good for me? Huh? I'll show you who's too good for who you snotty bit*h."
My bumper: "Seriously? You want to show me something? So long as it isn't your hairy chest peeking through that Izod shirt you're sportin' then you can show me whatever you want there, Chief."
Ahhh...memories...ahem...sorry. Had a flashback there.
At about this point Mr. Wizard begins to flash his brights at me. Let me give you a little logistics lesson...I am in bumper to bumper traffic. Both lanes are filled to capacity for as far as the eye can see. I can't change lanes. I can't go faster. I suppose I could have slowed down, but that may have driven Captain Cerebral into a light flashing frenzy and I could have had a seizure from the strobe effect so I refrained. Hey...my personal safety was at stake and a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!
After a while General Genuis backed off and waited for some unsuspecting victim in the other lane to create a gap wide enough for him to squeeze into. He then changed from one lane to the next depending on which appeared to be moving faster. The great footnote to this story? I actually ended up passing him by staying in the lane I started in and doing the speed limit.
Go figure.
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