The Bar

When I was in college I worked as a bartender. I loved the job and I was really good at it so I worked as many shifts as I could get my hands on. The downside was that I would bartend in my sleep. You could order a drink and I would talk my way through making it. "Shaker, ice, vodka, martini glass, coat with dry vermouth, shake vodka, pour, olive..." I would wake up the next day exhausted. And thirsty.

These days I would give my eye teeth to go back to a job as wonderful as bartending. I always felt so free and it was always fun. Even on nights where the 2nd bartender called in sick and you were trying to cover a crowd 4 deep all by yourself it was fun. Granted, there was an evil dark side to bartending...a lot of the blended, frou-frou, chick drinks were translated in bar speak to "Miller Lite in a bottle." I mean, seriously? Do I look like I have time to blend up the perfect banana daiquiri for your size 2, blond, vapid ass? NO. So take the freakin' beer and sashay on back to your equally vapid boy toy.

Bitter? Me? Of course I am and if you spent 6 years serving umbrella-ish drinks to scantily clad bimbos who don't tip you might be thismuch bitter, too. I did learn a whole lot about how bars operate though. I was already an old pro at navigating the bar scene by the time I became suddenly single at 26.

Here's some of what I learned:

1. Wear jeans. Guys don't really understand that whole stripper heel/ass baring skirt thing. You don't want to confuse them. They don't like that.

2. Drink beer. Preferably from a bottle. It makes you more approachable and the upside is they see you as someone that could hang with the boys and not want high-priced dinners and $10 applepearpassionfruitguava martini's all night.

3. Don't travel in a pack. That scares the ever-living-shit out of guys. You see it as having a bunch of friends around for safety. They see it as a pack of perfumed hyenas just waiting for the weak one of the herd to wander over.

4. If you see a guy at the bar and he has highlights in his strategically gelled to look like it isn't strategically gelled hair, fake 'n bake tan, a man-purse and just possibly a hint of eyeliner...HE IS GAY. And NO, he won't miraculously convert because you wore your shortest denim skirt and the shirt that looks like a handkerchief with strings tied around your back.

5. Yelling at the bartender, banging your empty glass on the bar or otherwise acting as if the entire bar should hold their breath just waiting in anticipation for you to order your chocolatehuckleberryvanillakumkwat daiquiri IS NOT going to get the bartender to make your drink faster. Just hold up a $20, make eye contact and wait patiently. Oh...and if you are holding a bottle of beer? It helps.