Depression is such an odd, odd thing. No one who has experienced it can explain it. No one who hasn't experienced it can even begin to fathom it. I have struggled with depression for most of my life and I have been around a wide variety of friends and family members who also suffered from it at one time or another. I certainly don't consider myself an expert on the subject, but I definitely have some good experience.
I find myself struggling through yet another round of the blues. It is so funny how it happens. I am feeling fine and content and life is great. Then one morning I wake up and everything has changed. Maybe it is raining or cold or I have a headache or I oversleep. It doesn't really matter what it is and most of the time I can't even tell you what it is, but something sends me into a downward spiral. I see it and feel it and I know it is happening. I even tell myself to snap out of it. The problem is that I can't. I just have to ride it out - sort of like the Bush Administration or a tax audit.
The last few weeks have been tough and this week was the worst. I finally took a shower today. First one since Monday morning. Gross - I know. I knew it was gross all week...I just didn't care. Today I decided that I care so I showered. I feel a little better. I smell a LOT better.
I have managed to work. Mostly from home. Drew has been sick so I have been hanging out with the little guy making sure that he gets better. Taking care of him really helps me because I don't focus on me. Not focusing on me is a really good thing when I am down. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you aren't thinking about yourself.
I do want to share some of the things I discover about myself when I am depressed. Most of these are immediately forgotten as soon as I feel better.
1. I am so fat that I am in need of medical intervention and have been know to start researching stomach stapling. I tend to stop eating when depressed and the nice thing about that is my clothes fit better. Unfortunately, I am too depressed to notice or care.
2. I am so ugly I should avoid going into public because it could start a panic. The downside of that is I end up sitting around the house in my grubby pajamas and don't shower. The upside is that I end up sitting around the house in my grubby pajamas and no one has to smell me.
3. I can't do anything right. Ever. I tend to watch a lot of TV when depressed and avoid cooking, cleaning or otherwise acting as a productive member of society. I am not sure there is an upside to this one. I guess I avoid breaking things. That would be sort of an upside.
4. Anger is easier to handle than sadness. Basically what that means is that I am really, really pissed at absolutely everyone for absolutely no reason. Unfortunately that ends up with me having temper tantrums over really stupid stuff. You will probably never see the tantrum though. I have them in my car or in the shower where there is no one around to hear me.
I am sure there are more things to list. I am just too lazy to write them down. Since I finally showered I think I am going to venture out into society and do some errands I have been avoiding. I even put makeup on so there should be no panic!
The sun is out. It isn't too cold outside. There is Starbucks in my immediate future. Today is a good day.
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