Need a job? Here's a little tip. Or three.

I don't generally talk much about work on this blog and that is for several reasons. First, I don't like to think much about work when I am writing on this blog. Second, the first rule of blogging is to avoid talking about things that can get you fired from your job. Third, most of this time the really hysterical stuff that happens to me at work can't be talked about on the blog because of rule number 2. Lastly, I would like to think I have better things to talk about than work. However, judging from the number of posts lately I may be seriously deluding myself.

Anyway, for those of you who don't know, I am a recruiter. I mostly recruit IT folks and I have been a recruiter for a really, really, reeeellllyyy long time...that means I am either very dedicated or completly insane. Today I was dedicated. Tomorrow I may be insane. You just never can tell. And that? Part of my charm.

I bring this up because with the economy as crappy as it is and with the unemployment rate as high as it is I thought I would share a few little tidbits to possibly help job seekers. Basically, here is a very condensed list of my pet peeves (which basically means "these are the things that most recently irritated me, but it is by no means a complete list of my pet peeves because I am far more irritate-able than this measly little list").

1. No matter what the completely useless and overpriced "consultant" told you - DO NOT PUT YOUR FREAKIN' PICTURE ON YOUR RESUME. Seriously? Do you really think showing me your whimsical smile and snappy sweater are going to result in my overlooking the fact that your two years of experience selling printer cartridges at Office Depot DOES NOT, in fact, make you qualified for the Senior Network Architect position you just applied for? Really? Ummm...NO.

2. The next time you are driving down the freeway tailgating the car in front of you when they are already doing 5 miles over the speed limit in a work zone and you are honking, swerving, flipping them off and generally making an ass of yourself regardless of the fact that it is rush hour and there is literally NO WHERE FOR THEM TO GO -- I want you to consider that at your next job interview that person is the recruiter. Just think about it. For a second. OK...good. Now. Thank me for my time and go home and remove "Calm under pressure" from your resume. 'Cause you? Aren't getting the job.

3. At your next interview please don't show up an hour early. Cause that? NOT. ON. TIME. It is, in fact, an hour early. And irritating. I know I don't have to go out in the lobby and greet you and interview you right then because you will quite happily wait until the actual scheduled interview time, but that doesn't help. See - I will sit at my desk for that hour thinking about you sitting in the lobby and I will wonder if the receptionist thinks I am a total loser for making you wait there because I must be too good to actually treat my candidates nicely and I will wonder if you are beginning to get irritated at me and if maybe you need to pee and I can't focus on the task at hand and so I end up going out and getting you early and interviewing you early, but I am all irritated and I don't really like you anymore because I was totally going to go to Starbucks real quick for my latte until YOU showed up EARLY and I just really hate you right now because I really need caffiene and YOU screwed up my master plan and you know what? Not hiring you!

I could so go on, but I am ready to go to bed. All the grumpy made me tired. Now go and take your freakin' picture of your resume. Seriously? A picture? Sheesh.