In case anyone out there wasn't clear on this...Puppies? Have to go to the bathroom. A. LOT. I never really thought about how often a dog will pee until I got Mazie and became responsible for ensuring her timely bathroom usage. She still hasn't gotten the whole "go outside" thing down, but we continue to work at it. Eric is threatening to make Mazie AND me sleep in the backyard until potty training is complete so I am trying hard to be consistent with her when it comes to when/where/what/how/what I say/etc. That means that I have to take the dog out about every 45 minutes or so during daytime hours and 2 to 4 times overnight.
Anyway, the first trip to the great outdoors is around 1:30 and the second time is around 4:30. From time to time we add a couple of other trips since it keeps me on my toes. I must remain stealthy. Like Ninja. For both of these trips I carry Mazie down the stairs to the kitchen, slip on a pair of shoes that sit by the door, shrug into a coat and go outside with her. Once outside I will put her on the ground and wait to see what happens. I learned through trial and error that if I put her down before reaching the door it is kind of a crapshoot (pardon the pun) whether or not we get the pee/poop/whatever to be deposited outside as opposed to in. Once we successfully make it out the door and I have put her down on the grass, I have to begin repeating ad nauseum, "Mazie, go potty."
The trick to this little adventure is that no matter what I have to stay out there in the cold, snow, sleet, hail, tornado, tsunami, nuclear explosion and keep repeating the same phrase until she actually does something. Most of the time she will pee the minute her feet hit grass. Other times it becomes a 15 minute battle of wills. I generally win because it is cold and I am the only one of us wearing a coat, but the fact remains I am standing in my backyard in the middle of the night wearing a ski coat over...well...over not much else and pleading with my dog to go potty.
"MAZIE! PLEASE. GO. POTTY. If you don't go potty I swear I will leave you out here all night and I don't care if you freeze because I am tired and I don't want to stand here waiting for you to christen the lawn. I mean it. You better start peeing. RIGHT. NOW. You take a piss THIS VERY SECOND. Quit playing. Just pee so that we can go back to bed. You. Must. Go. Potty. Mazie. NOW. RIGHT NOW. Just pee for criminy sake! Pee. I mean it. You really have to go potty. Mazie, go potty. Go potty. GO POTTY. GO! POTTY! Go potty RIGHT! NOW!"
I am beginning to wonder which one of us is more intelligent. I swear the little shit is laughing at me. I just can't prove it.
SO...why does all that make me think the neighbors are mere moments from having me either committed or murdered? Well, it is partly because I turn on the back porch light on each of our bathroom adventures and that light just happens to shine directly into their bedroom. In addition, the way our yard is shaped we have a very short distance from our back door to their bedroom window and I am sure they get to hear these middle of the night discussions between me and the dog.
I walked outside this morning at about 7:30 and they were on their back porch smoking. The second I opened the door they did a mad scramble to get rid of the smokes and go back in the house before I could make eye contact. I am not even sure they have figured out that I am, in fact, talking to an animal of some kind. For all I know they think I am talking to an alternate personality that I force to pee in the yard. I would explain if they would stay outside long enough. I honestly think they have just accepted the crazy neighbor shouting about going potty while wandering around the backyard at odd hours of the night. It really isn't too far from what could be considered normal in our house.
And that? It's a little scary.
And a just a little bit sad.
3 comments:
Oh wow... I can just picture this dialogue going on at 3 am for 15min straight... "Come on, Go potty!" Although, the neighboors may think it's a monologue(!).
On the morning they were out with smokes, perhaps they had made bets when the next session would be... I know if I experienced the light thing followed by the back and forth dialogue, it would probably get to be a running joke, and we'd probably make a bet on who could come closest to predicting the time of the next "Performance."
I'm rambling a bit here, but the breeder that is able to get the dog/cat behaviorial trait combination in the bloodline would make a mint... you know, a great dog - one that would love to go on walks with you, but one that would also use a kitty litter box in the middle of the night. :)
Thanks for sending me the link to your blog! I felt so bad yesterday when I was in just about to the end of the recruiting process for the job with you - and then I had to take the other call, Finding out that the company I had interviewed with extended me an offer I couldn't refuse!
If I find myself back "on the market" or any of my friends - without a doubt, you'll be getting a call! Seriously, you are the coolest recruiter EVER!!!
(Sorry for the overly verbose rambling... Being awake at 6am on a saturday is making me a bit nutty!)
Cheers,
- Matt
Too funny! Yep, I went through the same thing. Had NO IDEA how much work a puppy would be. I swear KIDS are easier! Now that my dog has turned 3 and finally gotten the hang of do this/don't do that, my husband says, "Let's get another dog. A puppy!"
Nooooooo!!!!!!
At least you use the right terms with her. I don't think my mother in law can even say potty. Her term is "do your job". What makes this even stranger is she's always asking us "do you still have your jobs?" Huh??? She really needs to use a different word for one of those! Thanks again for sharing, and good luck with the puppy :)
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