There is a song that I absolutely love called "Breathe Me." I just seem to really relate to it – I have included the words for reference. It is sung by Sia and if you haven't heard it you should seriously track it down. You won't be sorry.
Help. I have done it again.
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today.
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame
Be my friend. Hold me. Wrap me up. Unfold me.
I am small. And needy. Warm me up. And breathe me
Ouch. I have lost myself again.
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found.
Yeah, I think that I might break.
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe.
Be my friend. Hold me. Wrap me up. Unfold me.
I am small. And needy. Warm me up. And breathe me.
There are a lot of songs, books, movies, etc that I have related to over the years. This one, however, seems to strike a chord that I wasn't really aware existed in me. Or, maybe I did know and chose to ignore it until hearing this. Damn you Katie for making the introductions!!!
It just got me wondering about the people around us and how well the public face matches the private one. The people you think are confident and put together may, in fact, feel incredibly inept most of the time. They might just be really good fakers. I tend to let my make-up and hair do the talking. If I have my eyes done up and my hair straight and across my eye and a bit of cleavage showing then I am trying to show everyone that I am sexy and confident. What I am most likely feeling is way too old and fat to be wearing the outfit I have on while trying not to trip in my heels and have a boob jump out. If I am in jeans and my Longhorns hat then I am trying to show everyone that I am so confident that I can wear a ball cap and feel good about it because I am so cute and girl next door that everyone will love me no matter what I wear. It is probably more likely that I overslept and didn't have time to shower and still get Drew to school on time. My Longhorns hat has saved me on more than one occasion and yes; I'll admit it, sometimes there are consecutive hat days.
Notice how it all seems to revolve around showing the world how confident I feel. Well, no matter what outfit, makeup or image I put out there I am certainly not as confident as I would like everyone to think. I am a geek at heart and my self-esteem is entirely wrapped up in what other people think. Sad. I know. Sue me.
I think I just need to cut myself a little slack. Sure…I am a workaholic and I have no hobbies, but work can be a hobby, right? If you ask me what I did last night I will probably mumble something about how late nights are part of the job and then change the subject. I tend to stay in the office late and when I am not at my desk I am at home with the laptop fired up. I decided that it might be an issue when, on one of the rare days I left the laptop at the office, Drew walked up and asked me where my "homework" was. He was literally confused that I didn't have a computer in my lap. Maybe it's time to back slowly away from the computer and slow down a bit.
So…I decided that I needed a hobby. I tried cross-stich. No joy – I went cross-eyed, missed lots of squares and my dragon ended up looking like a newt. So, I thought about learning to knit, but those needles…well, they are pointy and I am fairly accident prone. I then decided that we needed a dog. I could train it and we could do dog agility (notice that it isn't owner agility…Mama didn't raise no fool) and it would be a blast. Eric asked me to list out the number of consecutive hours I am at home on any given day and then decide if I had time for a dog. We now own two cats and a lizard.
I ended up deciding to learn to play guitar.
As it turns out, Eric's friend had a guitar that he gave me. My boss just happens to have toured with a band for 10 years and is a guitarist. I decided that fate/karma/whatever had sent me a message/sign/smoke signal and I should learn guitar. Plus, my Mom learned to play when she was about my age and I just remember sitting on her bed listening to her play and sing. If I was a crier I might tear up just thinking about it so…moving on…
I start lessons on Tuesday night. I am really excited about it and hope that I don't suck at it. Actually, I don't really care if I suck at it because I am doing it for me and hopefully it will help me to find something that belongs to me. It is about more than just having a hobby. It is about having a part of ME that isn't tied to anyone else. It isn't subject to anyone's expectations of me. It has nothing to do with what someone else needs for me to do for them. It is mine and I think I really need that.
So, I'll keep you posted and I hope that before long I will be able to tell you that the Sia song, "Breathe Me" is just a really pretty song and leave it at that. Who knows, maybe I'll play it for you on my guitar.
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