Those Evil Calories

I read an article on MSN today about how there are all these pro-ana sites on the internet (pro-ana means pro-anorexia) that are basically encouraging young women to become anorexic.

Just a little back story on me - I was pretty sick when I was in my senior year of high school and my first year of college. At 6 ft I was all the way down to 120 pounds. It started in my senior year. I'll never forget mornings in drill team when we got weighed in front of the whole team. I am sure I have exaggerated it in my mind, but I remember being the heaviest person on the team every time. It never occured to me that I was at least 6 inches taller than almost everyone. All that mattered was that I was the heaviest.

My "issues" with food continued all through the summer and right into college. I didn't gain the freshman 15 - I lost. I was out of the house with no one to notice whether I ate or not. I used to eat nothing all day and then go down to the football field and run around the stadium for hours. Eventually, people noticed the really low body weight. I will never forget sitting in the kitchen with my Mom and the two of us had a battle of wills over a plate of mashed potatoes. She refused to let me up from the table until I ate a bite. I haven't been skinny since.

Anyway, after reading the article I took to the net and looked at a bunch of the sites they talked about. That led me to myspace and all of the pro-ana sites on here. I had a bizarre response to what I read.

On one hand I was saddened by what some of these people were saying. Their hatred of their bodies and anger toward food. They were putting quotes on their pages that talked about "food is the enemy" and "beautiful doesn't equal food" and a lot of other stuff. They encouraged each other to fast longer and eat fewer calories and congratulated each other on getting under 100 pounds. The strangest part is that every one of them seemed to know that they were slowly starving themselves to death.

On the other hand I was compelled. I wanted to be a member of the club again. I wanted to be able to share my tips and tricks and tell them all about how to eat 200 calories over the course of a day so that you don't get dizzy and faint. I wanted to share my stories about going 5 days on nothing but water and tic-tacs. I found myself sitting in my chair lamenting my lack of control over food. How did I let it win?

What a wierd place to be. I can't help but wonder what this means for me. I do know one thing though...food isn't going to win anymore. I am not going to be fat anymore. This is the end of that road and that's a promise. Right now, at this exact moment, all I can think of is that not so very long ago I had the exact same height, weight and measurements as Elle McPherson. Now I have the same measurements as a refrigerator.

Merry Bleepin' Christmas

Christmas. Again. Seems like it happens every year despite my best efforts at squelching it. Note to self: "Self, find the source of Christmas. Bring napalm."

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas. Mostly hate, but I have moments of love. I love all the old cartoons they show on TV and still get a kick out of the elf who really wants to be a dentist. I hate Christmas music because they start playing it in November. Mostly, it's all the other stuff that really gets to me. I can't stand all the commercialized joy and giving that happens during December while the rest of the year most of the world can't see past the end of their own noses.

I really shouldn't bitch like this every year, but I do it anyway. I think it has something to do with the evil Christmas trolls that come along every December 1st and empty out my bank account. I have money all year long and then December hits and I am inexplicably broke. I think it is one of those mysteries of life that will never be explained. Kind of like the Loch Ness Monster and Republican logic.

I am trying to get into the spirit this year. Drew is almost 4 and he is going to get really into the whole tree and presents thing so that will be fun. I am even going to put the tree up before Christmas Eve so that must mean I am softening at least a little bit. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

I think that this year I feel more contemplative than in years past. I was always just pissed and no amount of Christmas cheer was going to penetrate my aura of bitchy-ness. This year I miss the people who aren't around to throw Christmas music into my circle of contempt. There are a few people I miss and yet don't miss and for some reason this year I almost want to have them back. Maybe I am having my own personal 12-step program and this is the "make amends" step. I don't know what number that is, but it seems like it is probably 10 or so since it is such a tough one.

Now I am getting off track...I need to get off my pity pot and back to bitching about Christmas - it's less painful. For me anyway.

I guess I should just accept the Christmas music and the Christmas lights and the women drivers on a mission to the mall. I should accept the month long ode to greed and excess. I think I will work really hard for this year to not wallow in my pool of disdain and instead try to be calm and introspective.

I'll keep you posted on how that goes.